Where did you get a picture of my penis
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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