I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
