you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
