So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
