So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Even the bartender felt bad for me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
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It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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