Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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