so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
