just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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