maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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