Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
