Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
