I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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