I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
