my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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