Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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