It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize