I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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