isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
