I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
