3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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