Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
