it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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