My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
