I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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