peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
