That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
