I wish my penis had an off switch
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
