I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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