I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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