you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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