Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Bang-toberfest begins!!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
