2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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