I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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