Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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