Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
