my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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