im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
that may or may not have been my penis.
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