So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
