I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
