got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
