I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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