I wish life had little blips of pornography
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
