She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
