why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
