the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
