I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?