You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
