Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse