last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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