Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
