I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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