I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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