I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
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Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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