I think i peed on brittanys purse
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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