Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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