He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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