Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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